the list of 9 for january 19, 2009:
NINE UNDERREPORTED MOVIE CLICHES
Some movie moments have become such cliches that even mocking them is something of a cliche: Youall know the Thief Who Is Hired to Do One Last Big Score Before Quitting, the Gay Best Friend, the CopWho Gets the Dangerous Case the Week Before He Retires, the Race to the Airport, the ArgumentThat Turns Into Making Out, the Gunshot That We Think Has Just Killed Our Hero But Actually Has Comefrom the Hero's Friend's Gun Which Has Just Shot the Villain, Everybody Jumping Into theSwimming Pool with Their Clothes On and Laughing, and so on and so forth. But there are many morecliches that I see all the time which remain unheralded. They make me sick, all the more sincemany are also routinely employed in so-called "independent" films. To wit:

  1. Roadside America Frozen in the '50s. Has anybody here taken aroad trip across any portion of the United States? It's just a bunch of 18-wheelers and chain gasstations and fast food restaurants, isn't it? So how do those movie characters, no matter where theyare, manage to find the glamorously decaying mom-and-pop gas stations and roadside diners that servethe best apple pie ever made - all staffed, it must be noted, only by hick-accented (and eitheradorable or terrifying) white people?

  2. Unwiped tears. The first thing you do when you start tocry is to briskly wipe your tears away. Not only because visible tears are embarrassing unlessyou're one big drama queen, but also because they kind of tickle. Yet it's typical actorgrandstanding: when performers coax actual tears out during a scene, they're so proud of theiraccomplishment that they proudly display those tears on their cheeks for the camera to capture(and note how this is rarely accompanied by the red-faced grimacing that usually comes withcrying). Some believe this heightens the emotional impact of a scene, but what can be more honestor touching than somebody awkwardly brushing away real tears?

  3. The slow clap. You know the drill: the protagonist gives aheartrending speech in front of an indifferent or possibly even hostile crowd, then after a tensesilence, one brave person in the crowd applauds slowly. Then another. Then another. Soon, everybodyis clapping and cheering the inspiring words that our hero has just uttered. It's cloying and trite and something that never, ever occurs in real life.

  4. Kojak parking. Also called "TV parking," this refers to moviecharacters' unflagging luck in scoring a parking spot directly in front of their destination, even incrowded cities like New York or San Francisco. A necessary brevity is behind this: showingsomeone having to park two or three blocks away or in a paid lot (like the rest of us) then having towalk five minutes would undoubtedly slow down the story.

  5. The vanishing act. How do they do it? Take a mysteriouscharacter. Have him say something to a less mysterious character. The less mysterious character turnshis back on his more mysterious friend as he responds, then turns back and poof! The mysteriouscharacter has disappeared, thanks to superhuman speed and an ability to move without making a sound!Seconds later, you can't even see him on the long, wide street he must have used to make his escape!It's hard to even let Batman get away with this.

  6. Unfinished drinks/meals. Two characters meet in a restaurantor bar, order something, then after a few expository lines, one or both dash off to the nextlocation. In the process, perhaps one sip of a drink or one bite of a meal is ever consumed. (Often,they leave just as the waiter arrives with their order.) No wonder those Hollywood stars stay so thin!

  7. Slapping. More actorly nonsense. I suppose people get slappedall the time in real life, but surely not as often as movie characters do, especially after sayingthe One Thing That Really Hurts the Other Character. The Return Slap - usually employed by theIndependent Daughter after just getting slapped by her Out-Of-Control Mother - is another oft-seen cliche.

  8. Spontaneous Laughter. Even more B.S. handed to us on a silverplatter by writers and actors who mistakenly believe that audiences find it veryentertaining when characters, in the middle of some tense or confrontational situation, suddenly lookat each other and laugh, laugh like they never laughed before, deep from the belly and the soul. Thenthey stop, look at each other, and erupt in laughter again! Life is funny! Then they go back tobusiness. Related: the Villain Who Laughs After a Suspenseful Pause When Another Character Has SaidSomething Insulting, Intentionally or Otherwise.

  9. 555. This wasn't designed to be a cliche, but it's become theworst one. The "555" prefix on phone numbers, as anybody who's ever seen an American movie knows, isused when a filmmaker - acting on the advice of long-ago studio attorneys - needs to include a phonenumber in the story but doesn't want one that could ever reach somebody, out of fears that someaudience member will dial it and annoy the person who actually has that number, who then of coursesues the filmmaker for invasion of privacy. (You see, no American phone number has the prefix 555,other than information lines.) But it takes you right out of the reality of a film's scene, doesn'tit? And seriously, who's ever going to call 738-2334 or 373-2901 or 202-3930 (numbers I just typedin at random) just because it's mentioned in a movie? "555" is in no way a legal necessity, so youcan freely blame paranoid lawyers.

Copyright © Mark Tapio Kines 2011