Cassava Films - The List of 9

the list of 9 for january 18, 2006:
NINE THINGS THAT SHOULD BE ERADICATED FROM EXISTENCE

Believe it or not, this list took a long time to compile. What truly deserves to be wiped off theface of the planet? I don't mean "When people are mean!" or "War!" or (insert random politician'sname here). I mean actual, physical constructs that we could, in fact, easily remove. It's notas simple a question to answer as you might think - if you're trying to be objective. (Forinstance, I could say "fast food restaurants" but I realize that many people enjoy them and that,on occasion, they serve a purpose.) I worked hard to come up with nine items that have no currentbenefit for the world and only add to the clutter, frustration and decay of everyday life. Theseare the ones that made the cut:

TRUCKS' BACKUP BEEPS. I don't know what else to callthese. But BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! You hear it all the time whenever large trucks go into reverse.Supposedly these were designed to warn whatever idiot standing right behind a moving truckthat it was about to back up over him. I believe if said idiot needs that much of awarning, he deserves to die. And so do these irritating non-stop beeps - which you can blame publicsafety advocate Ralph Nader for. (Just as you can blame him for Bush winning in 2000.)
NON-REWRITABLE CD-ROMs. CD-ROMs (and DVD-ROMs) areinarguably useful. But since we now have rewritable CD-ROMs (aka CD-RWs), why doesn't the computerindustry standardize the damn things? Answer: Because they cost more and consumers arecheapskates. But in the long run, they're far more affordable; anyone who's had to burn a regularCD-ROM just to move one 50k file from one computer to another knows what I'm talking about. Itquickly becomes another worthless addition to the landfill pile. There's enough garbage in theworld. We need to stick with CD-RWs only.
VALET PARKING. Maybe it's convenient to have some minimumwage-earning stranger at a restaurant whisk your car off to the parking lot without you having toexpend the extra energy in doing so yourself - you lazy bastard. But why force already-payingcustomers to fork out another five bucks (or more) for a service that, most of the time, they canhandle just fine by themselves? It's a rip-off and a nuisance. Away with it. (Though if arestaurant or hotel will offer free valet parking, I'm okay with that.)
SYRUPY SWEET VOICEOVER RECORDINGS. I'm referring to theautomated voice systems that you hear on the phone everywhere, as well as radio commercials. Haveyou noticed? Every female voice is sickeningly sugar-coated, as though she's talking to a helplesschild. (Call Paramount Pictures' voicemail to hear what I'm talking about: 323-956-5000.) Everymale voice is gentle and reassuring, like the perfect dad asking his kids to go play a game ofcatch after dinner. Nauseating. I'd rather hear normal human speech, thanks.
STYROFOAM PACKING PEANUTS. There is no justification forusing these unrecyclable, unbiodegradable annoyances when packing goods for shipping, as there arevariations made from potato starch that break down in water, and even the air-filled plastic pouchesthat Amazon uses to ship their merchandise do a dandy job without taking up much space when discarded.
ONE-WAY STREETS. Whose bright idea was this? Sorry, but I can't think of any reason why one-way streets are faster or more efficient than two-way streets. They're certainly more confusing and troublesome. Repaint and repurpose these things.
THE U.S. ONE DOLLAR BILL. Heresy! you say? Well, justabout every other nation on earth has replaced its filthy, wrinkled paper equivalent of the dollarwith a nice clean coin. But we bullheaded Americans are so resistant to change - no pun intended.
THE U.S. PENNY. I've got nothing against Honest Abe, butthe penny is even more obsolete than the paper dollar. As above, most other countries haveobliterated the one-cent piece as nobody ever needs one, ever. When you receive four pennies inchange and wish you could have just been given a shiny, useful nickel instead, you'll agree.
CIGARETTES. I tried to come up with something more cleverhere, but let's face it! I know some people enjoy a smoke now and then, but cigarettes... Well,I'm not going to turn this into an anti-smoking rant. You know what's bad about them. And you knowthat the world would be a better place without them.