the list of 9 for december 21, 2004:
NINE OF THE SCARIEST THINGS THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME
In keeping with the recent "scary" theme of the List of 9, in the wake of the American release ofmy film Claustrophobia (retitled Serial Slayer by distributor Lions Gate), here arenine of the most frightening events in my life. While compiling this list, I realized I have beenvery lucky: no real brushes with death, no truly horrifying moments. Even when I was mugged in1999, it was so mild-mannered a mugging that I can't even put that on this list. But heregoes. (And by the way, if I had to add a tenth, it would be my troubled reaction to the OhioPlayers' "Love Rollercoaster" in 1975 - my sisters convinced me that a woman was murdered in themiddle of the song and her scream was recorded. Only years later did I learn this was a widespreadurban legend.)
- HITTING MY HEAD AT 13. The only time since I was a babythat I had to go to the hospital. I was swinging on a chin-up bar that was jammed into the doorwayto my bedroom; I swung too hard and yanked the bar out of the doorway - falling six feet down,onto the back of my head. Fortunately my parents were home and I was able to tell them whathappened before passing out, vomiting and having a seizure. Great fun. Though the only truly scarymoment was as I fell, realizing I was one mere second away from cracking my head on the floorbelow.
- ALMOST GETTING CRUSHED BETWEEN TWO 18-WHEELERS. When I was22, still living in my college apartment, I took the freeway up from Los Angeles and, because itwas a short cut, used the "truck ramp" to get to the next freeway. Along with two 18-wheelers. Oneon either side of my little Toyota. All seemed well until I looked at the road and noticed thatour three lanes were merging into two - and the truck to my left couldn't see me. Note: I do notrecommend slamming on the brakes at 65 miles per hour. I was inches away from smashing into one orboth of those trucks, and can only say pure luck got me out of it.
- CREEPY MUSIC VIDEOS. Already we're leaving the "actualscary incident" territory and more into the psychologically freaky. I can't say that I've everbeen truly disturbed by a horror movie, but when I was eleven, and MTV was new, they played somevideos that bothered me so much I had to turn the brightness down on the TV as I waited for thenext video to appear. (Again, I was 11.) The ones that really did it to me were Kim ("Bette DavisEyes") Carnes' eerie clip for "Draw of the Cards" (Carnes winds up being held aloft by some bizarrecreature with a hideously long tongue) and David Bowie's "Look Back in Anger" (paint splatteringon his face looked to me like his face was melting). Yeesh.
- THE LOST MINE. In San Jose, where I grew up, there was asmall amusement park called "Frontier Village," with a western theme. I went there frequently as achild. But only once did I go on the spookhouse ride called "The Lost Mine." All I canremember is being terrified by neon-like monsters in the dark as my little trolley rattledthrough the ersatz cave. I was six or something like that.
- LOOK AT MY LEG. When I was about seven or so, I went tothis abandoned school down the street to play. (Those were the days before paranoid parentswouldn't let their kids out of the house.) At the playground I saw two children, a boy and a girl,apparently siblings. Though now it seems like a dream, I swear to God I saw the boy look atme, give his leg a shake, and his leg fell off into the tanbark. (It was a prosthetic, yousee.) I ran all the way home.
- MEET THE NEW PIT BULL. When I was 26 or so, I came homefrom work to my little guest house, only to see a dog in the yard. A pit bull. Did my landlord geta new pet? He whined and whimpered as I approached. I thought, "Oh, poor doggie." But one stepfurther and the dog turned into a monster, flashing a mouth full of razor-sharp teeth and ready topounce. I fled to my house and called my landlord, who explained that his brother left the dogthere and would retrieve him shortly. While I cooked dinner, the dog actually paced back and forthin front of my windows, stalking me. I've hated pit bulls ever since.
- FAMOUS MOVIE MONSTERS. I must have been 5 when I did this:I was given a coloring book of famous monsters like Frankenstein, Dracula, the Wolfman, etc. Icolored them in one Sunday afternoon and taped the drawings to the family room wall, proud of mywork. Hours later, in my own room, I couldn't get to sleep because I became suddenly frightened bythe content of those drawings, which is strange because they didn't scare me at all when I wascoloring them. So I got up, walked into the family room, took them down and threw them away.
- OUT OF CONTROL BICYCLE. It shames me to admit this, but Inever really learned how to ride a bike very well. I've always had terrible balance, and can'tmuch ice skate, ski, rollerblade, whatever. But when I was 12, I finally learned how to handlemyself on two wheels. So I borrowed my cousin's bike in Oslo and cruised around in back of hishouse. On a hill. And when I got to that hill, I started heading down - fast. It was a gravellyroad. Very slippy. Paranoid that the bike would take me right into oncoming traffic at the base ofthe hill, I swerved it into a tree instead. And I never rode much after that.
- MIKI ON THE STAIRS. The scares never end, not even inadulthood. Just this year, at the age of 33 or 34, I jumped out of my skin when my deviousgirlfriend Miki, while talking to me on her cell phone from her car, secretly sneaked into myhouse while I was in the middle of some lengthy monologue. She suddenly screamed into the phoneand I turned around to see her right on my staircase, five feet away from me. Sheapologized profusely - she only meant to startle me - and I laughed about it later, but for thatone split second I was a total mess.
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