the list of 9 for july 21, 2004:
THE NINE UGLIEST ROCK STARS ALIVE
Why is it that rock stars seem to get all the girls (or boys)? I suppose it has something to do
with talent, fame and charisma. It sure doesn't have anything to do with beauty. To prove my
theory, I have listed the nine ugliest that I could think of, out of hundreds of contenders. (In
fact, there are so many repulsive rock & rollers that one can only come to the conclusion that
many people turn to rock music as a way of compensating for their horrible looks.) For this list,
I'm purposefully ignoring Chad Kroeger of Nickelback, Lemmy from Motorhead and Shane McGowan of
the Pogues, who are already quite consistently voted rock music's ugliest in various polls.
- KEITH RICHARDS. All the Rolling
Stones are hideous, but unlike Mick Jagger, Keith wasn't cute even when he was young.
- PATTI SMITH. I did have Polly Jean
"PJ" Harvey in this spot, then a friend reminded me of Smith, whom I had forgotten. Owing to the
fact that I couldn't find a sufficiently ugly photo of Harvey to use, I had to agree that she had
a certain appeal. Smith, however, absolutely does not.
- TIMBUK 3. This country-rock duo
had a one-hit wonder with "The Future's So Bright (I Gotta Wear Shades)". You get two uglies for
the price of one.
- RIC OCASEK. How did The Cars'
gangly, Ichabod Crane-like singer wind up with supermodel Paulina Porizkova?
- NOEL & LIAM GALLAGHER.
Heavily-eyebrowed Oasis louts. Some bad genes running in that Gallagher family.
- THOM YORKE. There's something almost
lovable about the Radiohead front man's lazy eye, pasty skin, lumpy face and thinning hair. But he
still looks uncomfortably similar to the Deliverance banjo boy.
- ADAM DURITZ. Whiny, self-important
singer/songwriter for the Counting Crows, one of rock's worst bands ever. This slob is the poster
child for why white people should reconsider getting dreadlocks.
- JOHN POPPER. I don't believe fat
equals ugly, but the Blues Traveler singer/harmonica player is morbidly obese and just
gross. He knows it, too, hiding behind his hat and his shades and his horrible harmonica as
often as he can. The linked photo shows Popper's fully exposed face. Beware!
- DOLORES O'RIORDAN. I'm listing
the frightening-toothed Cranberries singer over likelier candidates such as Steven Tyler and
Rush's Geddy Lee because this list has been too guy-heavy. In the sexist world of pop music, only
"hot" women usually become stars, so performers like Dolores and Patti - and Alanis, and Mama
Cass, and the brunette half of the Indigo Girls - deserve some sort of kudos for making it big
despite looking like barf.
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