the list of 9 for may 22, 2004:
NINE THINGS I LEARNED FROM WATCHING "TROY" (by guest writer Thomas Lakeman)
[Note from Mark: The erudite Mr. Lakeman has contributed to the List of 9 before. This list wastoo good to pass up. I'll let him take it from here.] As anyone who's ever studied itwill attest, The Iliad is a big damn poem about a guy who spends most of the war pouting inhis tent instead of fighting because he's waiting for everybody else to admit they were wrong. No,we're not talking about George Bush - that's Achilles, the archetypal gloryhound who wins notbecause of foresight or virtue, but mainly because of his family connections (okay, so maybe weare talking about W.). Now, thanks to director Wolfgang "Get off my plane!" Petersen, allof Homer's ageless wisdom is compressed into two and a half butt-kicking hours. Here (withapologies to Robert McNamara) are nine easily digested lessons on war, Greek style:
- COLOR-CODE FOR EASY REFERENCE. As Rick reminded Ilsa inCasablanca, "The Germans wore gray. You wore blue." In Troy the Trojans all wearblue (with the kinds of tie-dye patterns you usually only see at craft fairs), while the Greekswear red. In modern terms, that's Trojans = Pepsi, Greeks = Coke. Even though she's on hersecond hubby, Helen is still entitled to wear white. Meanwhile Achilles and his Myrmidons wearblack, thus identifying them as the Bronze Age equivalent of the Oakland Raiders.
- ALWAYS HAVE AN ESCAPE ROUTE FROM YOUR OWN SEQUEL. And youthought there was no beating Greek fate. In The Iliad, Hector's wife and son are killed onthe walls of the city. In Troy, they flee to safety through a conveniently placed escapetunnel (why couldn't Homer think of that?). Some are spared by life, others by death. Menelaus iskilled halfway through the movie, even though he's later a supporting character in TheOdyssey. Agamemnon is done in by Achilles before his wife can murder him in TheOresteia. Top honors go to Queen Hecuba and Cassandra, who don't even exist in Troy -thus shortening the lineup for The Trojan Women.
- INSIST ON HISTORICAL ACCURACY UNTIL IT BECOMES CONFUSING ORWEIRD. Drop a hat and the producers of Troy will crow about historicallyaccurate battle scenes, authentic Bronze Age armor, etc. This passion for authenticity extends tothe scholarly pronunciation of names: that's Pree-am, not Preye-am,Mene-louse instead of Mene-lay-us. Of course, by this logic we should be calling themain character A-kill-ay-oos, not A-kill-ease - but who the hell ever heard of anA-kill-ay-oos tendon? And say, as long as we're on the subject of our hero - when exactlydid Achilles's lover Patroklos become his "cousin"?
- A POSH BRITISH ACCENT IS NO LONGER DE RIGEUR. Back inthose sword-and-toga Cinemascope epics of the 1950s, ancient Greeks and Romans talked like Membersof Parliament. Now, in this post-Gladiator world, it's considered cool for upper-classtypes like Odysseus, Agamemnon, and Menelaus to sound off like boyos from the corner pub. Notelling what accent Brad Pitt's going for - something left over from Interview With theVampire, minus fangs. Thank God for Peter O'Toole.
- TOUGH GUYS DON'T WEAR HELMETS. If Troy were a WorldWar II movie, would we think there was anything particularly heroic about a guy taking off hishelmet in the middle of a battle? Maybe it has something to do with the need to reflect "magichour" light off Brad Pitt's golden tresses. Two words, Achilles: Gary Busey.
- THE BEACHES ARE FULL OF TIMBER. Every time somebody kicksoff, the Greeks have to build him a funeral pyre big enough to roast the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man.So where are they finding all this lumber on a big sandy beach? Lifeguard stands?
- THE GODS ENVY BRAD PITT. At one sexually charged moment,Achilles tells his squeeze Briseis, "The gods envy us because we are mortal." I suspect the godsare more likely to envy somebody because he has no discernible acting talent, and yet makes $20million for showing his butt. Not to mention being married to Jennifer Aniston. Smiting, anyone?
- YOU CAN STOP A BATTLE ANY TIME YOU FEEL LIKE IT. Accordingto Homer, the Trojans lost because the gods were against them. Nope! Turns out they got whackedbecause somebody (whose initials are Prince Hector) decided to cancel the battlejust as he was on the verge of winning. Reason being? Because he - whoops! - killed somebody!Hector, baby, this ain't West Side Story. You don't stop the rumble just because Riff andBernardo got knifed.
- EVEN GREAT HOMER IS NO MATCH FOR A TEST AUDIENCE FROMPALMDALE. Let's face it. The Iliad is a great poem, but it's notoriously shorton naked priestesses. Thankfully, the wise development executives decreed that (a) Agamemnon isthe villain and needs a "comeuppance scene" at the climax; (b) the Trojan horse provides a perfectthird-act "ticking clock"; and (c) Orlando Bloom gives the sword of Troy to young Aeneas, thussetting us up for Troy 2: Rise of the Romans. All that's missing is Achilles'swise-cracking black sidekick, played by Cedric the Entertainer. Arms and the Man, yo!
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