the list of 9 for february 11, 2004:
VALENTINE'S DAY SPECIAL: THE NINE SONGS MOST IMPOSSIBLE TO MAKE OUT TO
My buddy Jon once asked friends to each send him two songs to "get it on" to for a mix CD. I feltthat, if you're horny enough, you can get it on to just about anything. Or can you? This list isinspired by a story my girlfriend told me about kissing someone when suddenly the theme fromGhostbusters came on the radio. I realized then that there are just some songs guaranteedto kill the mood. (I mean real pop songs: It goes without saying that nothing fromThe Sound of Music soundtrack, George M. Cohan or the Muppets could ever be remotely sexy.)These nine fit the bill; spin them in your bachelor/ette pad at your peril.

  1. "WE ARE THE WORLD." Just thinking about this "athem's"endlessly repeating chorus makes my weener shrink. Or am I wrong here? Does Cyndi Lauper's "Whoawhoa whoa whoa WHOA!" get you all tingly?

  2. "CANDLE IN THE WIND '97," Elton John. The startlingpopularity of John's mawkish tribute to dead Princess Diana suggests a certain necrophilia, butstill.

  3. "YELLOW SUBMARINE," The Beatles. Why is it that Ringo onlygot to sing children's songs for the band? And am I the only one who thinks he sounds like aretarded person?

  4. "THE MONSTER MASH," Bobby "Boris" Pickett. Novelty hitfrom 1962 isn't even fun at Halloween parties anymore.

  5. "KOKOMO," The Beach Boys. Long after Brian Wilson left theBeach Boys, so too did any semblance of songwriting integrity. I'm not saying it's easy to makeout to "Little Deuce Coupe," but this constipated tropical torture from 1988 is strictly for ClubMed elevators. It's on the Cocktail soundtrack, for God's sake!

  6. "BORN IN THE U.S.A.," Bruce Springsteen. Maybe the 80'swas just an unsexy decade in general? ("Walk of Life," "Don't Pay the Ferryman," et al.) Younguns,lest you think it was all about new wave, let me tell you something about perms, shoulder pads andacid wash jeans.

  7. "ME AND A GUN," Tori Amos. Though not exactly a "hit,"this acapella song about Amos's rape gained notoriety for its subject matter. I can't - or shouldI say, I don't want to - imagine anyone getting turned on by this.

  8. "BIRDHOUSE IN YOUR SOUL," They Might Be Giants. I don'tbelieve They Might Be Giants have recorded a single sexy song in their entire career. It would belike getting it on to something by Weird Al. Even geeks couldn't do it. Maybe I should have listedthese guys up there with the Muppets?

  9. "HOLD ON TO THE NIGHT," Richard Marx. If this one genuinelymakes you feel romantic, I will kill you.

Copyright © Mark Tapio Kines 2011