When the Claustrophobia casting process commenced, within a week I received over 1,500submissions (headshots and resumes) from actresses eager for roles. Many were quite talented andexperienced - bleak times indeed, where even accomplished performers are willing to work for ninedays on a no-budget thriller shot on video - while many others, well... Bless their hearts, butfor me their clueless submissions reflected their mislaid ambitions, and got them no furtherthan this list.

1. "REQUESTED." This was written - and circled - in huge redletters on a manila envelope in my P.O. Box. Mind you, my casting directors had clearly statedthat we were casting for three female roles only. Why, what could I have possibly requestedfrom this mysterious agency called "Advance LA"? It turned out to be a photo of some actor dudeposing on a checkerboard tile floor and holding his hands out to the camera as if to say, "My namein lights!" Not these lights, bozo.

2. VARIATIONS ON "CASSAVA." Admittedly, the name of myproduction company is not a word you hear every day. But you'd think somebody would at least takethe time to spell it right. I received envelopes addressed to, variously, Cassana Films,Cassaba Films, Cassavo Films and Cafava Films. I half expected the person who sent the lastone to walk in saying "Hi, I'm Fandra Fmith, I'm an actref."

3. VARIATIONS ON "CLAUSTROPHOBIA." Okay, it's a long word.Still, it's not very encouraging when somebody is trying to convince you that they are right forthe part when they can't even spell the title of the film. So I got Claustrophobie,Clastrophobia, even Camp Utopia, which I thought was the most brilliant misreading ofwhat must have been the result of low toner in their fax. Then to my astonishment, months later afriend told me that his buddy was making a film called, you guessed it, Camp Utopia! Alas,if only I'd known, perhaps said actress would have been cast in that production.

4. WURST SPELER EVVER. There's poor spelling, and there'spoor spelling. And then there is this young lady, who managed to misspell literallyeverything on her envelope: Cassaba Films! Clastrophobia! She was also open to playany and all of the roles, rechristening the characters Gina, Lauren and Grace as"Gena, Loren, Grece."

5. WATCH OUT FOR THEM TEXAS CLOSTERS. The last of the red hotword manglers I will mention is this former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader (yes really), whose letterbegan "Re: Closter phobia". This was funny enough until later on, at the end of herletter, she proudly asserted "since I am somewhat Closter phobic, I know I could add true realismto your project!"

6. BY THE WAY, I'M ALSO A TALENTED BREATHER, EATER ANDSLEEPER. That last line in the entry above is typical of some who submit theirheadshots (or whose agents do) and like to add a little P.S., reminding me why exactly they wouldbe right for the part. There are far too many to list here ("I'm very sarcastic," etc.), but myfavorite was: "With my gymnastics/yoga/dancer background, I'm sure that I could handle theaction." Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?

7. OTHER SPECIAL SKILLS. Often an actor's resume willinclude, if a strong filmography is lacking, any special skills they may have. This can be handyif you need somebody who can ride a horse, or speak Russian, or juggle. But it's stretching it alittle bit when some consider "special skills" to include Mixologist, Published Poet, Reading,Kazoo, Can Burp on Cue and so on. One actress, who was actually pretty good, concluded herskills with Can detect irony.

8. MOVIE STAR! When you think of the sad life of theHollywood starlet that never made it, this is the woman your imagination conjures up. She musthave been at it for decades - you could see the very Boulevard of Broken Dreams carved intoher airbrushed, surgically-enhanced face. Nevertheless, she was convinced that she could play a25-year-old, and sent me six ravishing, autographed photos (alas, all photocopies) along with aletter announcing herself as a "Movie Star [her capitalization] with the Screen Actors Guild." Andrepresented by Mr. Jack Scagnetti of Jack Scagnetti Talent Agency of North Hollywood. She reallywanted to be The Female Star of my Movie Production, CLAUSTROPHOBIA!

9. THEN THERE'S THE GUY ON FIRE. That's right, some guy sentin a photo of himself on fire. I guess he was offering his services as a stunt coordinator orsomething. Funny, I don't remember saying anything in my character breakdown that any of the castwould be set on fire. Though it was tempting.